 |
"3...2... Hello, I am Wink Blinkman (or AM I?) and recent surveys show mossflaps are more popular with 12-17 year olds than horses with hair you can brush, and so I guess we are here tonight in Hot Tottie's Hips of Death to smell orange about the news ... wait a dog gone... this copy is all wrong, let me take that again... 3...2... Hi Yah! I'm Dink Zpinkman and I just blew my own name! Ok... 3...2... Good Evening, I'm Wink Blinkman and this is the dream I had last night: |
 |
I was broadcasting LIVE from that filthy doll-battle Pit that was in the news recently... I interviewed the blood soaked Winner guy... anyway, I was on the outer rim of the Pit doing some lame expose' on the jagged glass or something and the teleprompter was spewing nonsense for me to read! I was ad libing but sinking fast... I mean, how many sand jokes are there in a single afternoon, am I right? I'm starting to think about leaping into the Pit below me when my Agent Bernie starts shouting, "I'm made of salad and fear!" and I'm thinking, like... WHAT?!? |
 |
The show is going nowhere and I'm thinking more about the bars I'm going to end up in than the words they want me to puke, and I get this creepy feeling like my condo is planning something evil against me... There was the sensation of cheese suddenly, followed by some kind of nursery rhyme and what I thought was a gun shot but turned out to be Bernie with the tongs. I'm wondering when they will give me some good train wreck copy to sink my teeth into when they tell me it is time for a break, so I say, "We'll have more on these and other Jive Turkeys after this commercial message!" |
 |
But the commercial was a big endorsement spot for this weird ugly fork thing that someone was selling, and I was the Pitch Man. They were telling me in my earpiece that I should just tell the people about my own experience with this weapon... and I was even doing that until I realized that I had never picked up anything sharper than a crayon in my own defense, ever. Then I get a glimpse of the monitor and I could see that I still look GREAT on camera, so I'm OK, I think... |
 |
And the next thing I know, I'm being attacked by my exact double! Except he's NOT my double because his suit is nicer than mine and he knows how to swing that sword! I start panicking about who is going to feed my cat and he keeps hacking and chopping at me, and I'm thinking, I could never do that to myself! |
 click for larger picture |
I had no idea that I could be so brutal and as I continued to attack myself I admit that I was slightly aroused. My mother says this is very normal. I was thinking about asking my attacking clone some personal questions, ones that only I could know the answer to, but then I realized that if he WAS me then he would know, too... And suddenly I felt a cold nose on my neck, and I realized that my Mittens wanted her wittle bwekfest, doesn't she? YES she does! What a nice kitty she is, isn't she? ISN'T she? So I guess I woke up then. |
| There was something else about a bus in there somewhere, too... but I forget the rest." | |
|
|
|