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Good evening, I'm Wink Blinkman and this is Figure 8 Action News, with your host, Wink Blinkman.

Tonight's Top Story is an unusual tale that blurs the lines between toys, underpants, and fake fruit. We should warn you, the images you are about to see are graphic and may cause painful laughter. You have been warned...

We are all familiar with the famous underwear featuring happy fruit on the label, but Figure 8 Action News has uncovered a growing cluster of disgruntled fruits and vegetables who didn't make the cut, who have slipped outside the tight white fame surrounding their kin and into a dark salad bowl of discontent. Ladies and gentlemen, beware of the Fruit-of-the-Loom Rejects.

(R-L: Eggplant Parma John, The Lemon Kid, Terminato, Rotten Peaches, and Leg-less Perry.)

Sources indicate that a majority of fruits and veggies do not have heads, arms, or legs. But for those who do find themselves with limbs the struggle for employment can be a meal ticket to disaster.

Take the sad case of Parma John. Marketing research indicates that 98.7% of men reject undergarments with eggplant prominently featured on the label.

Likewise, the Lemon Kid has encountered blanket prejudice as men across the world refuse to associate their private areas with tangy citrus of any kind. What do these poor unfortunates have to say about their plight?

"The worst part is that we're all totally full of rage, and nobody seems to care about that... The only thing on our side is the whole low sperm count thing, but what good does that do any of us, really?"

What good, indeed?

While the popularity of cotton briefs featuring traditional plant matter continues to balloon out of proportion, those less-than-regular vitamin rich spokesmodels are left to stew in their own juices.

Will these underwear outcasts ever get a taste of the sweet life, or will they forever be the main ingredients in the cocktails of despair? This reporter, for one, hasn't got the foggiest idea.

Rumor has it that they are pooling their resources to purchase a big bowl, that they insist on referring to as their "playset."

Sad, sad, sad...

In lighter news, this unusually primitive spaceman toy was brutally slobbered upon by a basset hound of distinction. We'll run this hilarious human interest clip while the credits are rolling!

Thanks for joining us everybody, I'm Wink Blinkman for Figure 8 Action New and that's about the size of things!

(The Reject Fruit-of-the-Loom Guys were lovingly crafted by the incomprehensible Jon Hendy, who also made a cool new Space Monster, and the Zagnotronic Space Society. Background by Brenda! Way to go, kids!)

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